Just took a breath

Life is calm. The chaos has subsided. Now I sit here in my new room looking out over Ottawa while it snows beautiful big snowflakes. It's taken five years to get here. Calm. I can breathe, I can think, I can process. I can do whatever I want, however I want. I smile. I laugh. I cry. I was so tired and now I'm rested and alive.

I left for Montreal in 2013 and for the first time in 10 years I could just be. I was exhausted, I didn't realize how exhausted until I was there. I quit my job, I left my life and hid. I spent time with my mom, my sister and my grandparents. I cooked, I cleaned, I wrote, I reflected. I realized I had a life in Ottawa that was real. I had friends who were my family and I had a partner in life. I realized how much I had pushed him away and when I was gone I almost lost him. That moment I realized how far I had pushed him it was an awakening. It was time to come out of hiding and commit to him, to us and to our life. The next two years were hard work and now we're here. Happy. I understand what it means to embrace the hard times because if you make it out alive, you're closer and have a stronger appreciation for one another. That's where we are. I still have the urge to run and hide.. I still struggle with the idea of depending on people and to allow them in 100 percent. But I'm trying. I'm trying to learn that not everything ends in disaster.

I have control. I have power. I have freedom.

Now what I want is to grow into the person I've always envisioned. I can smell it...I can taste it...I feel it.

Karen-